Yeti and long time Monster Supplies' customer Ohuto Longtooth shares warm-season tips for the cold-season monster.
It is a commonly held misconception that Yetis only live in the Himalayas. In fact, Yetis lived in mountainous regions all over Eurasia until the last Yeti left the Ural in 1874. In the 1960’s some adventurous younger Yetis, catching wind of the counter-cultural movements taking place amongst humans, became inspired and started their own movement to repopulate traditional Yeti regions. I was among them.
While traditional Yeti lifestyles - living simple, technology-free mountain lives and generally in isolation - are still the norm for most of us, more and more yetis are attracted by the modern lifestyles available in the Alps and Scottish Highlands. This is however, leading to some new problems, especially as summer approaches.
Having lived in the Highlands for the last 52 years, here are my top-tips to get you through summer:
Choose where you live:
Keep summer in mind when choosing a cave: North-facing caves are best, but demand can be high. Natural caves automatically stay cool and are preferable over artificial ones.
If your main cave faces south, look around for a cooler summer home. Try cave-sitting: It has become fashionable to spend the cooler months in Europe and return to the Himalayas for summer. Sometimes you might even get great offers - a gold coin, magic beans - for taking care of lairs left behind.
Minimise the need to go out:
Plan ahead and stock up on long lasting items before summer starts. For modern Yetis an advantage of living in Europe is that most caves can be easily connected to high-speed internet. Now that both the Post-Mortem Postal Service and the Flying Monkey Delivery Service have expanded their reach, most caves are within delivery zones of major specialist retailers. This makes ordering supplies online easy and fast. The internet also provides vast possibilities for entertainment, such as Yetfilx, and staying in contact with family and friends.
Watch your vitamin D:
It is important not to get too much vitamin D, as this can negatively affect the long-term health of Yetis. Wear a hat and sunglasses, stay in the shade and always use sunscreen with a high SPF. Hoxton Street Monster Supplies was one of the only known retailers selling specialist 530SPF sunscreen. Though designed for vampires, it is worth exploring if it can be sourced anywhere else - and if it’s suitable for Yetis. Pay attention to eat only food low in vitamin D: Check yak-milk products have not been fortified with D. When buying human-based products such as snot or earwax, make sure they come from a reputable source and were harvested during the winter months (read labels for hemisphere of harvest).
Make your diet work for you:
In summer, what you eat can make a big difference. Every Yeti knows the importance of eating enough yak-milk ice cream. Artisan ice cream makers have started experimenting with new flavours; Yetis can now enjoy a brunch with avocado ice cream.
There are no specialised products to keep you cool when on-the-go, however other products can be repurposed. A personal favourite of mine are Zombie Fresh Mints: Their high strength freshness cools instantly.
I hope that with these top-tips you are well prepared for summer. If you have any tips you would like to share, just send me a note via Hoxton Street Monster Supplies, and they'll include it in my next online delivery.